Why does everything go down at the Library
by JTJonah
Summary: A small fic for QueenOfThePolarBears's own "Bartimaeus and the Something of Something." It's pretty good, you should check it out. As a quick note, this is a Hogwarts AU.


Note: Reposted from AO3. You can read there as well.

* * *

"Have we found it yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"Nope."

"…Is it over here?"

"Still a big fat helping of no."

It was then that a loud, disgruntled cough came from the direction of the far side of the library; Bartimaeus and Queezle immediately fell silent, neither of them wanting to deal with Honorius's wrath. For the last half hour or so, the two had been looking for a particular book on transfiguration in the library. So far, their efforts had yielded fruitless. They now found themselves staring at the current bookshelf facing them in quiet agitation; Bartimaeus fidgeted.

"…Do you see it yet?" he whispered in hushed tones.

"Bartimaeus I swear to god if you don't stop asking I will shove your face in a vat of acid and it will be terrible," she hissed back. She knew it would be too. After all, she'd seen it on House.

"Sorry," he replied sheepishly.

"Yeah, you'd better be -"

"- What are you two even doing?"

The two whirled around in unison, and stared at the offender. Faquarl simply stared back, a bored look in his eyes.

"What's it to you?" Bartimaeus snorted, relaxing.

"Oh, let me think now…what could it possibly be to _me_. Well, I don't know Bartimaeus. Let me come up with a guess. Maybe I actually need to get a book from that shelf right now, and you two are _blocking my way_."

"…Oh."

"So are you going to move, or what?"

"Whatever," Bartimaeus shrugged, rolling his eyes. He shared a knowing glance with Queezle; they both agreed in that instant that Faquarl had an extremely punchable face. Nonetheless, they both moved out of the way.

Faquarl stood in front of the bookshelf for a second, giving it a look that could curdle milk. He grunted, and walked away.

"Hey, I thought you said you needed a book -"

Faquarl came walking back over, carrying a footstool. He held eye contact with Bartimaeus, daring him to make a single comment. Bart for once, held his tongue as Queezle elbowed him painfully. She glared at him and he glared back; They both kept silent, once again.

Faquarl meanwhile had set the footstool down and had gotten up on it, reaching for the highest shelf. A few seconds of arm straining and he managed to pull down his book, without accidentally dropping it. He nodded to himself, and then gave a light hop off the footstool.

"…You know, you could have just asked us to get it for you, right?"

"I can do it myself," Faquarl snapped tersely. He opened his book carefully, making sure it was the right one. "Since when were you two interested in magical creatures anyway?"

"…Magical Creatures?"

"That is the section you are in."

"Oh god…we were looking for books on Transfiguration," Queezle groaned. Faquarl gave a snort; Bartimaeus glared.

"You guys are stupid."

"Yeah? Well…at least we don't need to drag a footstool everywhere to reach everything," Bartimaeus retorted. "You didn't even NEED a footstool! You could have just used your wand! _You're_ the stupid one," he continued, as Queezle elbowed him painfully again. Her glare told him to just drop it. His glare back was to say yeah no, Faquarl is a little shit. She rolled her eyes at this, knowing she couldn't argue against this point.

"Unlike you," Faquarl said, annoyance showing, "I don't need to use magic for everything. If we solved all our problems with magic, there would be trouble for us once we're eventually faced with something magic can't solve."

"Like a high bookshelf?"

"I was actually going to suggest navigating a library, but fine by me."

"It's not like we're that far off from where we need to be."

"The Transfiguration books are on the floor below us."

"Damn it!"

"I was bluffing. They're actually two shelves over, but I wanted to make sure you weren't bluffing either."

"Yeah well your _face_ is bluffing."

"Ah yes, your famous wit and intellect never fails to surprise."

"Alright, we get it now, you're both pretty. Come on Bartimaeus, he said the Transfiguration books were two shelves over anyway," Queezle said, attempting to break up the argument. She wasn't sure how long they could go before Honorius inevitably came over, and she was pretty sure she didn't want to find out. She pulled at his arm, attempting to drag him away. Bartimaeus for his part, shook his fist at an unimpressed Faquarl like a movie villain, not seeming to catch the hint.

"OH YEAH?! Well at least I don't hang out with -"

"Bartimaeus no -"

"- an idiot loser who -"

"Bartimaeus, I actually want to check out my book some time today -"

"- probably got held back a year, and isn't even allowed to go to Hogsmeade, like some kind of big baby!"

"GODDAMNIT, Bartimaeus." Queezle began to panic inwardly, as she heard Honorius give another angry disgruntled cough, footsteps pattering ominously their way. She hated him. She hated _them_. She hated them both. ALL off them. All she wanted to do was check out her book and –

"…Well _excuse me_," Faquarl hissed, face reddening in anger. "At least _my_ friend -"

"Faquarl, don't -"

"- doesn't spout a whole bunch of fake medical bullshit -"

"Faquarl, no -"

"- from some stupid TV show that nobody watches, and at least _my_ friend -"

"oh, for fuck's sake…"

"- doesn't read The Quibbler, and doesn't spout everything they read THERE TOO as facts, like some kind of GULLIBLE MORON."

"I am never going to get my book..."

"I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU GET AWAY WITH SAYING SHIT LIKE THAT -" by now, Queezle was holding onto Bartimaeus for dear life, as he attempted to punch Faquarl in his extremely punchable round cheeked face. If they were going to get caught by Honorius, they might as well not add more flames to the fire while they were at it.

"WELL NOW, apparently your _extremely gullible friend_ is making damn sure I do," Faquarl said, giving Bartimaeus a smug smirk. If Queezle didn't already see Honorius walking up behind him eyes livid, she would have let go of Bartimaeus right then and there. The thought was extremely tempting.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST -"

"GET OUT OF MY LIBRARY, YOU INSUFFERABLE DAMN KIDS!"

Suddenly as if pushed by an invisible force, the three of them were flown unceremoniously out the library doors, and dumped in a swearing tangled pile onto the stone floors below. As the three detached themselves dumbfounded, Honorius could be heard muttering to himself angrily inside, as he magicked the doors shut behind them. God help any of the poor students who might still be left inside. The three extricated themselves quickly, grabbing their bags and fallen items off the floor. Bartimaeus brushed his shirt down, as Faquarl clutched at his book red faced.

"You know this was all yoOUCH!" Bartimaeus found himself doubled over in pain clutching the back of his head, as Queezle looked down on him, glaring. Faquarl stared, dumbfounded; Queezle stared back. She swung her bag around menacingly. A second later, Faquarl found himself clutching the back of his head in pain as well.

"I have a report in transfiguration due in _three days,_" she hissed menacingly. "THREE DAYS."

"I am so sorry -"

"I DON'T HAVE MY BOOK. I WILL NOT BE GETTING MY BOOK FOR THE REST OF THE DAY."

"I said I was -"

"I'M LEAVING. I'M DONE WITH YOU TWO."

The two stared speechless, as Queezle stomped off in anger. Then without warning, she turned around and ran straight back, smacking Faquarl over the head a second time.

"THAT'S FOR INSULTING THE QUIBBLER."

She turned around and smacked Bartimaeus over the head too, for good measure.

"wha - HEY!"

"AND THAT'S SO YOU DON'T GLOAT LIKE YOU'RE BETTER OR SOMETHING!"

She ran off again furiously, this time for good. There was a moment of pained calm.

"I…need to go to my next class. Jabor's probably uh…waiting for me. Yeah," Faquarl muttered. He shuffled off in the other direction, head down. Bartimaeus nodded mutely, still rubbing against the back of his head.

"Yeah okay. I -"

"WILL YOU AWFUL CHILDREN JUST LEAVE ALREADY?!" the voice of Honorius bellowed from within the library. Faquarl and Bartimaeus instantly scampered off in different directions, before Honorius did something that they would all immediately regret.

History of Magic was boring enough as is, without your best friend ignoring you. Bartimaeus kept on trying to poke at Queezle discreetly in class, but she continued to stare holes into Lovelace steadfastly, refusing to give him the forgiveness that he was begging for. Sighing to himself in defeat, Bartimaeus finally gave up, and rustled around in his bag for his notes. His eyes widened when he saw what he had pulled out instead; it was pink. Impossibly pink. This was not his notebook at all. He wasn't even sure it was technically a notebook. Quickly he shoved it back inside his bag, hoping nobody would notice. He gave Queezle yet another sidelong glance, wondering if she had noticed. Her eyes flitted to his and glowered; yeah, she had seen. Throughout the class they stayed silent, until finally it was over. As all the other students began to walk out, he looked over at her hopefully, until they had walked outside as well. In the hallway once again, Queezle gave a sigh of defeat.

"…I am so sorry, and I totally promise to make up for the whole book thing to you."

"Acceptable. You will eat any vegetable I put on your plate for the rest of the week."

"What?!"

"_Bartimaeus_."

"Oh, fine."

"Good. Now where the hell did you get that notebook?"

"I don't know! It must have come out of Faquarl's bag. I probably grabbed it without noticing."

"…You. You grabbed this without noticing."

"I swear on my mother's life."

"I pray for your mother then."

"Come on, let's go to the common room and look at it! We have time in between classes."

"…I don't like this."

"Oh, come on Queezle. Look at this thing!"

Queezle did indeed look at it; the _thing_ was less of a notebook and more of a journal, actually. It was pink, and covered in those cute little Japanese decorations of bears and hearts and ribbons that you'd see on the sort of crap you'd buy at a muggle dollar store.

"…Are you sure this is Faquarl's?"

"Who else could it have come from?"

"Fair point," Queezle said, as they rounded the corner, making their way to the Hufflepuff common room.

"What do you think it is?"

"Dunno," she shrugged. "Come to think of it, maybe I have seen it before…"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I think I saw him shove that thing real quick in his bag, like two weeks ago."

"Wow, really? Damn. Was he like, hiding it?"

"I dunno. Maybe it's some kinda burn book," Queezle mused. Bartimaeus gave her a blank stare; she sighed.

"I can't believe you live in a world where you've never watched Mean Girls."

"Wait, what's a burn book?"

"It's like…a book where you have insults and stuff about people you don't like. Good ones I mean, most of the time. And sometimes, half of them are true. I dunno, Faquarl seems like the type who would have a burn book." Bartimaeus stared at Queezle, widening his eyes in realization.

"…That bastard."

"I know, right?" By now, they had entered into the Hufflepuff common room, and had pulled up seats near a table to the side. Thankfully, most of the other students were out by now. The two of them pulled the pink 'burn book' out eagerly. Carefully, they opened the first page in anticipation.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_It is my first day at Hogwarts, and everything went fine! Or at least, I hope things did. I got sorted into Slytherin! It's all still incredibly surreal though. Slytherin is full of assholes, but I think I will be alright. Besides, I can just pretend to be friendly with them, and use anything I find out against them later! They probably deserve it anyway. Hopefully I'll make some REAL friends though. Maybe I will in some of my classes. Even if I don't, the groundskeeper said I could visit him at any time! He's really nice, and he helped me figure out lots of stuff before coming here. Also, he has all this neat stuff in his house, and they all look really dangerous. The Groundskeeper in other words is so cool. Hopefully my teachers will be cool too. But I don't think they'll be cool as him. He's EXTRA cool, and he has an awesome beard. Our headmaster Uraziel kinda has a beard, but it's more like in a hot teacher kind of way. All the girls love him, so I won't because I don't want to be bunched in with their lot. I'm really glad mom bought this for me before I left! I like to write, but I kinda wish that she bought one less noticable. Oh well, I'm stuck with it now. I should probably always keep it on me though, so that nobody reads it like some kind of sneaky asshole. Anyway I should proooobably go to bed now Goodnight!_

_- Faquarl_

* * *

There was complete and utter silence.

"…Holy shit."

"Oh my god."

"We're reading his diary -"

"He thinks Uraziel looks hot!"

"…Bartimaeus, I swear I will end you right here and now." Queezle really meant it too. She stared at the notebook in muted horror, the realization of what they were doing dawning down on her.

"I am so sorry."

"Another week of vegetables."

"What?!"

"Did I stutter or something?"

"…No."

"Good."

"Christ though, look at his goddawful handwriting."

"Bartimaeus, he was eleven."

"…It's all curlicue. Oh my god, he dots his letters with shapes and smiley faces..."

"Bartimaeus -"

"Look at this, Queezle! He uses different colored inks, and he doodles on the sides!" Bartimaeus flipped through the pages eagerly, grinning widely as he did so.

"Bartimaeus, this is an invasion of privacy -"

"Queezle, you gotta look at this entry from second year! Wait, lemme read it; 'I'm really hungry right now so I'm just gonna draw tacos with stupid faces right now.' And look! He did indeed, doodle a whole bunch of tacos, right on the same page! Amazing…"

"Bart, we're crossing a line here -"

"Hey wait a second, did he just call me fat when we were twelve?"

"Oh my god."

"He called me fat when we were twelve!"

"Bartimaeus, give that book to me. Like, right now."

"Was I fat when I was twelve, Queezle?"

"I don't know Bart, maybe you should GIVE ME THE GODDAMN BOOK."

"Oh, come on Queezle…"

"No."

"…Please?"

"Nope."

"Come on. Just a few more pages."

"Not happening."

"Aren't you even a little bit curious?"

"…No."

"Are you sure?" Queezle found herself hesitating.

"…No."

"Come on. Just a few more entries, and then we'll sneak this back to the Slytherin commonroom through Natty boy. Come on Queezle, he's not gonna know!"

"Hmmmmm…"

"Queezle, this one time, and this one time only." She frowned, narrowing her eyes, as Bartimaeus continued to give her a wide eyed, pleading look. Damn him.

"…Three weeks of vegetables it is then."

"Unfair!"

"Just turn to the next damn page."

"Okaaay, fine. Jeez…"

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm not entirely sure why I ever agreed to go out with Bart in the first place. I mean he's okay, but every time he talks, he makes my brain angry. The kissing is okay I guess, but I'm better at it then him. Kissing Bart is sort of like kissing a fish. Also, my braces snagged on his mouth, and he got mad at me about it. Not my fault that he's weak and can't handle it. Then he tried to talk me out of wearing them AGAIN. I hate that. I'm not going to take my braces off for anybody. They're mine, and my parents already paid for them. So he and everyone else can shove off about it and LEAVE ME ALONE. The janitor Simpkin always makes these sniffy noises whenever he sees me because of them, so I pushed him down the stairwell and got a detention for it. Totally worth it. Jabor heard about it, and threw some kids textbook into his cauldron during Potions class, and it dissolved. So now he owes the kid a new textbook, and long story short we shared detention together. He said he thought my braces were cool. But I'm pretty sure he just says stuff like that because he thinks it will make me feel better. Whatever. It's the thought I guess? Maybe when I transition to retainers they'll be less noticeable. Not that I mind my braces being noticeable. Fuck them. If one more idiot Pureblood even tries to touch my teeth and get in my space again, I'm gonna push them down the stairwell too. You know, instead of just stepping on their feet real hard, and poisoning their meal with a light bad luck potion later. They can all stuff it. I'm mad, I'm tired, and I'm going to bed._

_- Faquarl_

* * *

"You know I forget that you two dated sometimes."

"I keep continually trying to forget," Bartimaeus said, rolling his eyes. He frowned, as he continued to flip through pages of more of the same. He wasn't quite sure how he felt about these last few entries. I mean he wasn't super into Faquarl either but, this sort of thing was only okay when it was a thing he was doing.

"I'm bored reading about you being a terrible boyfriend."

"Hey!"

"Another week of vegetables."

"HEY!"

"Let me pick the next one," Queezle said, ripping the book unceremoniously from his hands.

"HEY!"

"Come on, let's go to something more recent. Sometime after he got those retainers off."

"That was like, this year."

"Exactly my point. Let's see…ohey, this one has a whole bunch of doodles around it."

"Wait, let me look!" All around the relatively short entry, there really were doodles of different candies and sweets, painstakingly drawn in red and brown ink.

_Dear diary,_

_Sorry I haven't written in a while! I guess I've just been kind of busy, is all. It's too bad that Jabor can't come to Hogsmeade with the rest of us. I wonder why his parents won't sign the permission slip for him. I never met them, but I don't think I really like them. He doesn't really talk about them either. I don't really ask, but when it comes up he changes the subject. I don't think I mind, I guess. I feel kind of bad though leaving him alone on the weekends, so I never really stay at Hogsmeade for too long. I've been bringing back stuff, from the joke shop and also Honeydukes. He likes sour candy. I like sour candy too. Everyone's gone, so we basically have the entire dormroom to ourselves, which is cool. We mostly just go over his homework and things. Sometimes I bring back books that I think he'd like, and he seems to like those too. We're good friends and all, but sometimes I can't really get a good reading on him. It would be nice if he'd talk to me more. Anyway, it's kinda fun. I'm tired now, so I'll stop writing._

_Faquarl_

"…Great now I feel bad."

"Queezle no."

"Maybe we should stop and just return it now…"

"Queezle. No."

"This is kind of juvenile anyway…"

"Queezle he insulted House."

"…"

"He said it was a stupid show that nobody watched anyway."

"…You bring up a very compelling argument."

"I knew you would see things my way."

"Wow, Bart. It's almost as if you want me to add another week of vegetables."

"NO."

"Pfft…still though, this is the last one."

"I believe you."

"I'm serious about this Bart."

"I hear you loud and clear."

"Last one."

"Okay."

"We're gonna make this one count."

"I said okay, already?"

"After this, we walk out this door,"

"..uh huh…"

"give the book to the Prefect Natty Boy,"

"…yep…"

"after which we part our ways to our separate classes."

"uh huh."

"Foolproof. Nobody will ever be the wiser."

"Could we get on with it already?"

"Hm? Oh yeah, sure…" Queezle flipped through the diary at random, stopping finally at a page that happened to catch her eye.

"This is it."

"…Yep."

"Last one."

"Mmmhmmm. It's a longer one too."

"…Why is there a drawing of a Pygmy Puff on the other page?"

"I don't know, Bart."

"Actually, it's quite good…"

"Can't you just read without talking?"

"Uhm. Yes."

"Then will you?"

"…Yes."

"Thank you."

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_Today, Simpkin once again, pushed me the wrong way. I loathe Simpkin. His very presence annoys me. Usually I can stand him, but today was the last straw. During the Hogsmeade trip, I bought a whole bunch of self-propelling custard pies. I told Jabor what I was planning to do, and he wanted to come with me. Anyway, I had all the pies targeted at Simpkin, and it was hilarious watching him run from them all. But then one of the pies ended up hitting Honorius instead, and he sort of just came running after us. I don't know what he was doing there, I just figured he lived in the library or something. I guess they don't have bathrooms in the library though. That would explain it. Anyway, he probably chased us around like the whole school, while covered in bits of custard and pie. I've never seen him so angry before, even when students are being loud in HIS Library. It's not even HIS Library! It's the school's! He's such an idiot, but he's a fast idiot. A really, really, REALLY fast idiot. We ended up hiding out in the Armoury, until I guess Honorius gave up. Or I think he did. He scared the shit out of me…we sort of waited awhile in there, until he left. And kinda just messed around, I guess. Not much to do in the armoury anyway. I felt sort of bad for dragging him into this, so I apologized. He held my hand. So that happened. Then we had to run back to the Hufflepuff dormitory without getting caught. We sat there after that, and didn't really talk much. Yeah. So uhm, yeah. If I was old enough to drink firewhiskey, I would right now. I bet it tastes good too. I reeeally want to write about the other thing, but I am physically unable to right now. It's like I'm writing it on the paper, but I'm mentally erasing it because I am embarrassed. You know what, I'm just making a big deal out of nothing, what the hell, I can write this, whatever. So things happened, and he uh, kissed me. On the cheek. I'm not entirely sure how to explain. And I kinda liked it. Because I am an idiot too. Except not in the way Honorius is an idiot. That guy is on a whole level on his own. Actually there might have been more than one? Of the – yeah. Well. I guess I'm just wondering like…are we still friends? I'm just gonna ask him tomorrow. Yeah. Okay so. I can do that. I'm going to sleep now. Yea h. Goodnight._

_- Faquarl_

* * *

"…Holy shit..." Bartimaeus muttered, finally finished reading through the whole thing. Queezle was finished too, and found herself looking down at the diary, forehead furrowed in thought.

"Bartimaeus, we're friends, aren't we?"

"…Yes."

"Then whatever you were about to say, don't say it."

"…Okay."

"You can say the other thing though."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

"…HOLY shit."

"Duly noted, Bart."

"…You know there's still more, right?"

"We made a promise, and our next class period is coming up soon."

"I know, but Queezle…"

"Promise. We made it. I'm done here. Let's go."

"…Fine."

"Good. Let's get out of here quick and run over Nat while we still can," Queezle said, getting up swiftly as she snapped the book shut, shoving it in her bag. Bart got up with her, and soon the pair were walking out the door quietly.

"We don't bring this up to anyone, right?"

"Right. Least of all Faquarl."

"Right." It was at that moment that Faquarl walked quickly past them, white in the face. Something was obviously setting him off, making him visibly nervous. The two shared a look quickly, knowing that they didn't have much time left.

"…Shit."

"You got that right. You don't think…"

"Give it until the count of ten." At five, Jabor walked past them, visibly agitated as well, though presumably for a completely different set of reasons. After that, Bartimaeus and Queezle hurried their gait. They had to get to the Potions classroom in time, where Nathaniel had his class right about now.

"You think they're…"

"What?" Queezle asked.

"You know. Dating?"

"I honestly can't tell. It's not like with you two, when you had to proclaim it to the whole world."

"We did NOT. The very idea…"

"It was disgusting."

"I am well aware of this."

"No wonder it didn't last long…"

"Thanks, Queezle."

"I speak nothing if not the truth."

"…Not like Zeno was much better for you."

"Well at least Zeno and I are still friends. It's different."

"Sure," Bartimaeus said, rolling his eyes.

"…Another week of vegetables."

"Hey, I didn't agree to this -"

"Well would you look at that, there's the Potions classroom!"

"Hey -"

"And there come our classmates, all milling out!"

"Queezle -"

"Well would you look at that, the Perfect Prefect himself! HEY NAT. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"

"Oh my god."

Nathaniel jumped up in surprise, turning around. Seeing that it was only Queezle, he gave her a disgruntled look. After apologizing awkwardly to Piper who he had been talking to, he walked over.

"You know you could have just walked up to me, right? What is it?"

"…We found this journal on the floor."

"Yeah."

"…It uh. Belongs to Faquarl, and it's really personal so you should return it to him."

"Yeah."

"Don't tell him we found it though! He'd get really uh. Paranoid. If he knew someone other than you had picked it up."

"Yep."

"Because you know, you're such a stickler for this stuff! You'd never go through someone's personal papers."

"True that."

"And even if you did, I just cursed it so that you'll fail Whitwell's class for doing so. You'd never be her favorite again."

"Oh that's evil," Bartimaeus said with a low whistle, looking at Queezle in admiration. Nathaniel merely gave her a look of annoyance, although underneath, it was very apparent that she had made him unsure of himself.

"You're right, and I wouldn't. Also, you're bluffing," he hesitated. "You're bluffing, aren't you?"

"Want to find out?"

"…No."

"I thought not. Let us know when you return it!" Queezle said brightly, walking off with Bart. Nathaniel stared after them, still holding the pink diary in one hand. Suddenly, he realized that he was holding a horrendously pink diary in his hand, in _public_. He quickly shoved it down his bag, and stalked off. He shared his next class with Faquarl anyway; the sooner he got rid of this thing, the better. Queezle gave Bartimaeus a sidelong glance.

"You tail him and make sure he does the thing. I'll make sure you're not missed for too long at our next class."

"One week of vegetables off."

"Acceptable."

"Then I'm gone," Bartimaeus said brightly, flitting off into the crowd. They separated in order to regroup later on.


End file.
